[right now. at this moment. i feel so content. sitting here. listening to
this music (julee cruise). being alone. i realise this whole weekend has
been like this. and these people who interfere in my world. last night, this
morning. they annoy me. i am very content to be here alone. with thought
or presence of no one. this has nothing to do with the letter. but i
figured id share it with you, you being the only other person here, in
thought or otherwise.]
one thing of this book im reading that i understand is what they call
following the will of the goddess. or rather of what will be. i am
sometimes all too painfully aware of where i am in my life. and how my
life expands out. and how now is not the time for things i desire greatly
(like a girlfriend, to travel), but a time for other things. and i live
by these ways because i see not much sense in breaking them, in living in
other ways. sometimes i wish it were free will.
i am twenty-three now. i turned so on sunday. and i grow tired and weary.
i feel old. working at clemente as an administrative assistant. eight
hours a day. i go home tired, wanting to sleep. stressed out by arguments
with my roommate. worries about debt. my five year high school reunion
is in november. and i wonder what its going to be like. all my friends
successful. and me, salutatorian of the class. working a temp job. i feel
so much pressure toward the future. how im going to support myself. what
i am going to do. trying to get into the internet, the world wide web.
but what if i cant. i feel dead. standing on the bus with a tired look on
my face. just wanting to get to work, have done with it, so i can go home
and sleep. just wanting to do drugs on the weekend to forget about the pain.
the most horrible part of it all. is that i can remember when i used to live.
being alive. high school. college. then so much more those years i travelled.
now that i am settled i feel dead. i am done with my life, ready to die.
but refusing, because maybe.