(written to someone who is) truly a writer. i understand this. so often.
more than that. going through my life so reserved. so calm. holding back.
this weekend i reached such a peak of anger/depression. strangely enough i
felt so alive. having been living in this deadness of emotions for so
long. and i wanted to throw things, break things. but rationality
breaking in. stopping it. so long now have i been longing for a woman
again. to tear apart. to burn in a fiery with. any of these intense
emotions. and now anger at people that would take too long to describe. i
can feel the surge to write returning. writing letters to people. and
soon. more of the book. it has been so long i have been uninspired.
lately ive been reading the letters of anais nin & henry miller. wanting
to write letters like that between people. someone. letters to record
life in its most excessive, intense. but with the introspection that
only an artist can give it. like henry and anais.
pain racks my head. this non-locational cramp of my brain. i am at a
cusp. perhaps one of the largest decisions of my entire life. and its
tearing me apart. having to decide whether to stay in san francisco, or
move back to philly with my parents. long story. so complicated. with so
many reasons to stay and so many reasons to go. and the decision
affecting my life possibly for a decade, or more. wanting to get into web
design. and sf is the place for that. but ive been here 3 months with no
success and at my parents id have a really powerful computer to build up
my portfolio. [im staying in san francisco. for better or worse. well
see...]
i feel i am reaching something. some of what they call an inner peace. i
know it will go soon. so im trying to enjoy it while it lasts. ive been
longing for the arms of a woman lately. and this weekend has been very
much away from that. though as i write this letter i am reminded of you
in so many ways.
i am in that space between spaces. where i feel like forgetting of all
this talk of settling down. following silk to mexico. or hop a plane
right now to europe. i long for the road again. but now is not the time
for such things. i have six months to get back in the computer business,
or forever be out. so here i must stay and work.
this weekend has awakened the need for a girlfriend in me. someone to
hold and bite and kiss. i have a sense i am slowly becoming horny again.
after weeks now of masturbating out of habit, needing five, ten,
sometimes longer to get aroused. a lot of the time not even bothering. both
at once i could wish to be asexual, yet i would never give up that desire
to be one with another, for anything.
and once again too tired to think of all that. my body aches in a strange
way. im not eating right. too much stress. my legs hurt a lot of the
time. this morning i felt like i would simply collapse at work. this
morning getting out of bed i felt so tired, sickly tired. its my will
power that drives me on. driving me on until my body finally rebels.
hopefully not until we have our own apartment. i dont want to be sick
here. once the stress is all gone, then i can collapse. get sick and heal
myself.