feeling dirty
smoking cloves to cleanse myself. maybe burn it out of me. i know what it
feels to be dirty. what people talk about when theyve been raped. the
disgusting vile feeling. you dont ever want to think about it. you feel
impure. as if someone exchanged parts of their soul with yours and now you
have this tiny piece of deformity living inside you. for me. like breaking
a geas. that powerful feeling youve lost a special part of yourself. of the
magick laid upon you during birth. and worse. i brought it upon myself.
in the house. this old drug-worn lady. grabbing at me. wanting to kiss me.
to fuck me. as i get ready to go out. some club somewhere. away. finally.
thinking about it. as she asks to suck my dick. wanting that experience. of
sex without love. something ive never done. decided. and she sucks me.
slobbering. i come into my hands. as she leaves to let me clean myself up.
and i clean. because i feel dirty. that i allowed it to touch me. with such
vileness. she. some vague husk of depravity. like on the streets. even in
the house. depraved men. always thinking. trying. wanting to get some pussy.
and for a minute i think the act itself is vile. but it isnt. its just the
people who make it vile. with pure souls it is a wild and marvelous thing.
not vile. or repulsive. or pornographic. or evil. a pure sensusexual act
joining two people. love.
muse@musespace.com