confused. and yet things are so much clearer. tonight. april. linda.
todd. i. walking through the river barefoot. across the bridge.
mystical place. later on. fighting. tearing off clothes until we all
were naked. then. closer. later. linda. todd. on the couch. april. i.
floor. touching april all over. no touch. close your eyes. fingers
lightly gliding over her skin. and. she tries to pull me closer. but
still. no. then. yes. rolling on a condom. but then. too tight. hurts.
wait. lets see. this. and this. outside okay. no sex. fine.
then. thinking. knowing how i love each. or do i. april. but still. so
different. jen. turns me on so much. sex. after effects. april. not so
much. aroused. but not like jen. not the same level. but to hold. and
hug. and intermingle hands. so much more then jen. april. mental. jen.
emotional. bonds. both physical. but different. and i need them both.
and now i understand why april needs jen. why i need jen. because
then. while reading this book. she wanted to destroy. to hurt
something. but she couldnt. logic. wanting to scream and claw herself.
rip out her hair. (cut her wrists?) but she couldnt. too logical. and
thats why we need jen. different aspects of the same self. jen is our
emotional. fiercely so. illogical side. we need her. balance. we all
balance each other. and i need april to understand the things jen
cannot of me. and i need jen to give me feeling. why april needs jen.
needs feeling. illogical. emotion.
earlier. trying to break the triangle. this mess. you see. it can
never be broken. except with extreme hurt. i need jen. april needs
jen. and jen needs us. we cannot make the triangle equal. it is not.
different relationships. different reasons. but the reasons are good.
we must find the relationships between each of us. april jen. april i.
never so intense. the physical. as jen i. april jen. jen i. never so
intense. the intellectual. as april i. different relationships.
different aspects of the same self. we are one.