and then it all fell apart. walking through the streets. thoughts
echoing in my mind. i am the destroyer. i have destroyed. i am the
destroyer. i have destroyed. going crazy. must get to bens. must write
it down. record it. must remember. i am the destroyer. i have
destroyed. suicide. cars. walking along the sidewalk. road. so close.
just a step. gone. but no. so much destruction. no more. no more.
then the realisation. no matter how much good. always evil. always
balanced. all the good i could do. can do. have done. is wiped out in
moments like these. by the evil. so balanced. the realisation. not the
words. or the meaning. the feeling in my chest. my heart. knowing. no
escaping. trapped. no point of life if its true. it is. balanced. and
i go insane. repeating. repeating. i am the destroyer. i have
destroyed. i am the destroyer. i have destroyed. but i cannot kill
myself.
earlier. linda. shouting. and all i can do is cry. want to cry. but i
dont. staring out. being destroyed. as i know what she says is true.
she never wants to see you again. she hates you. i dont want you to
talk to her. or write her. or even look at her. youre scum. you use
women. you used her. like you used jen. was it all just a game to you?
was it? i despise you. i hope you die. id kill you myself. id like
that. but why ruin my life. im disgusted you live on my street.
disgusted you live in my state. disgusted you live on this coast. you
should have stayed on the other one. i dont want you to ever. ever
walk past my house. and if i ever see you again. youre dead. words
fading. coming. fading. nodding my head. knowing shes right. tear out
my eyes. i want to tear out my eyes. rip off my ears. i want to feel
pain. and nothing else. ever again. i hate myself. and i stare.
crouched by a car. staring at her boots. as she looms above. goes
away. comes back. kicks me. thank you. i want to die.
todd. crouched next to me. is there anything you need? and i look at
him. silent. because i cant talk. and only one thought rushes through
my head. april hates me. and i grab him and cry. wail. daemonic
screams of pain. like a child. holding him so tightly. falling to the
ground. crying on the wet ground. water falling from the sky. (or had
it stopped then?) crying. ask her if i can write her. ask her. so he
leaves. returns. maybe. she has to think. but i know. we both know. we
can never see each other again. or talk to each other. or communicate
in any way. then the triangle reforms. and the pain comes back. the
troubles. it didnt work and it wont. gone gone gone. make sure she
doesnt hurt herself. pulling on his sleeve. he leaves.
and i didnt have time to tell her. how i still needed jen. and then
linda. she didnt understand. the triangle. how could she. interfering.
it never should have happened. and she saw jen. i. her legs in my lap.
she thought i was. all april i. no one else. yet she said she knew.
and we talked. then they talked. then april i talked. explaining.
unbreakable love. isnt that what she called it? we both knew. no
other way. i dont know what to do. she did. so she brought us. jen i.
im ending it. im here. no here. no here. so far away. no triangle.
and if i never have to see either of you again. so be it. and that
was the only end in the end. it had to be. but the pain. so much pain.
for her. and my world collapsed.
need to get to bens. need to get to bens. but i couldnt talk about it.
i didnt even know what happened then. walking streets. night. knocking
on a door. recording. then to my sewer pipe. to sleep. i cant go home
tonight. i cant. dont know when i can. ive got to go to new york.
leave. think things away. away from this. tomorrow. and i left the day
after that. but i saw jen before i left. and i said. because i couldnt
handle the destruction. destruction i had done. and she was going
after this guy. another boyfriend. another triangle. and i cant handle
it. were just friends. goodbye. im leaving for new york.
and the pain remains. echoing in those moments. i hurt someone. and i
hated that. (because i cared for her so much). breaking. broken up. my
mind did. we are. alone and separate. and it was the first time i felt
such pain. i hope it never happens again. i must remember. i am the
destroyer. i have destroyed.