i have become impotent.
last night. trying to have sex with this woman. my dick getting hard. losing
it. only half hard. and i keep slipping out. not hard enough. until i can no
longer get hard at all. lost the ability to get aroused. to get hard. though
earlier. so aroused. so hard.
today. trying to will myself hard. fantasizing about last night. about random
women on the street. anything to try and get hard. sometimes it works. for
a moment. i become hard. but still only half hard. i try to become harder.
keep it up. losing it right away. soft again. and it isnt even the ability
ive lost. that native desire. emotional. instinctual need to fuck. for sex.
all that has gone. left only with the intellectual longing for that feeling
of desire.
it scares me. wondering why. if i could have lost it all forever. the fear
of becoming a non-sexual being. losing that need for a companion. in more
than just a friendly way. losing the ability to be with someone in that way.
even if i wanted it. i dont want to lose my earthly desires. i want them
back. now.
[ironically this happens just before i leave new orleans. when ive just met
someone to be sexual with. and our time together so short. and i can no
longer. losing the desire for it all. and when i had it all. the desire.
ability. no one to be with.]