sometimes i still wander around the city hoping to meet a woman. to have a
girlfriend. i guess its searching. even though i know. every time i search i
find nothing. only in accident. when im not looking. getting ready to leave.
do i meet a woman. a girlfriend.
lately ive been thinking though. if its the girlfriend. or the idea of a
girlfriend im looking for. that knowing. in your mind. that you have someone
to go home to. or someone to go places with. someone to fuck. whether or not
you actually do. a lot of people cant relax until they do. sometimes i wonder
if i had a girlfriend if id stop going out. stop wanting to fuck. stop
wanting to deeply connect with someone. if i had someone i could do these
things with. absence makes the desire grow stronger. (and then some people
finally are able to flirt. seduce others. once they have that confidence. of
someone else. boyfriend/girlfriend. so once they have one, they soon have
others. but with none they are lost).
in many ways more i look for the function of a girlfriend. that ability to
go out. to the park. dance. kiss. watch movies with. talk. i dont want so
much to be stuck with having a girlfriend as doing stuff with a girlfriend.
and even small aspects of that will satisfy me. someone i can teach. and show
things. and have them teach me. show things. even if the romantic part isnt
there. someone to dance with. and if nothing else. someone to love.
[there was going to be a paragraph here about hoping to find a specific
girl. one with the specific qualities i was looking for. but these qualities
change. and i dont want to force expectations on a woman. better to live with
no expectations. just to love. get along together. and be surprised with
discoveries of each other].