things that are hard to express
ONE PLAYS TRICKS ON ONES MIND SOMETIMES. THIS IS SOMETHING I NEEDED TO
GET OUT WHICH I HAD NO OUTLET FOR. SO I WROTE IT DOWN. IF MY MOMENTUM
WASNT BROKEN I MIGHT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GIVE IT TO THOSE I NEEDED TO
READ IT RIGHT AWAY. BUT THAT DIDNT HAPPEN. SO I SUBVERT MY MIND. I GOT
HIGH, TRYING TO RID MYSELF OF MY INHIBITIONS. TOOK A WHILE. BUT IT
WORKED. EDITED. BUT NOW FOR EVERYONE:
things that are hard to express (but which ive been meaning to say but
have too much fear or too many inhibitions or too afraid ill be broken
off in mid-sentence and my meaning misunderstood):
- on bryn athyn people. as a group i get very scared to actually talk to
many. i might try to fool myself into thinking i understand any of them.
and id like to try to understand. but in truth youre all very mysterious
a lot of the time to me. and this intrigues me, yet scares me. im afraid
to tell anyone some things because i have absolutely no idea of what kind
of reaction ill get (this is an attempt to break through that). i care a
lot about many people in bryn athyn, but usually i dont know why. its
that family thing. theyre like family. like willow grove.
- celeste i care about a lot. i dont know why. i feel theres some
magickal essence about her that i both envy and respect. when i first
met her i felt like there was this incredible understanding between us.
there is something. but i dont think id call it an understanding. its
something i really dont understand.
- sidetrack: i definitely think scratching is justified sometimes.
however, i dont like the side of my personality that is developing that
will scratch people (who dont want to be scratched) just for fun.
however, i do feel its an effective tool to emphasis the point that i do
mean what i say (cross reference: see julies case).
- jillian. im still unsure about jillian. im just getting to know her.
ive been feeling this incredible attraction toward her. but this happens
a lot as i first become friends with someone. but ive been needing to tell
her im attracted to her to get past it and just be friends with her. in
part, that is what this is for. (like a guilt i felt talking so closely.
being such good friends with joel. because i felt i was hiding the
fact that i had previously been extremely attracted to his (then)
girlfriend. even though that fact had nothing to do with anything we
spoke of). in any case, i feel jillian (regardless of any attraction i
have for her) is very attractive. she has a powerful personality and is
highly intelligent. but still. the difficulty in talking to her as a
real friend, not merely a friend of a friend.
- i like to keep friends around me who keep me in check. like heather
said today, sometimes i think im so observant when i plain well am not.
its hard changing these things, but i want to try. its good when people
say things like heather to snap me back into reality. i dont want my
friends to completely define me. change all my behaviours just to
satisfy my friends. but i also dont want to be so stubborn as to force
my friends to accept every annoying aspect of my personality. none of
this thats how i am, deal with me shit. i want to have my friends try to
change me for the better. however, at the same time, one must take
precautions. i dont want them to try to change me strictly for their own
benefit (cross reference: buying alcohol). its tricky. itd be nice if
people could talk about my personality objectively. out in the open.
and help me to shape it.
muse@musespace.com