she asks. how did you do it. how did you find the courage to just pick
up and leave. sell everything you own and live off nothing. how did
you do it. why. why did you do that. why did you just go. and i
realise these are some of the most important questions asked. when all
is said and done theyll know what i did. but not how. or why. now
theyll know. now theyll know.
a city. my past. college. i went to a science school. technical.
discovering. how i didnt want to be there. my father had such dreams
of me there. but it wasnt his to dream. and then it came. how i didnt
care. when i finally was paying it all for myself. i stood. i stared.
i looked. and i saw i wasnt happy. i saw it was useless. i saw i would
never use what those four years would accomplish. art was my passion.
in the way. in. not. science too. but not. there not in the way. it
was.
so i committed myself to art. determined. and when they wouldnt let me
major. i decided i had to leave. the two or three weeks after this.
how agonizing. not knowing where i was going. not knowing. anything.
no direction. no future. i was scared. then in a search a friend
suggested san francisco. to do my art. to live. and i accepted. and if
i was going i might as well see things along the way. and it was.
i needed to. i needed to grow. college had taught me all it could this
time around. all the rest were lessons to be read. anytime. anywhere.
i had wanted to become friendlier. i had wanted to become strong. so i
forced myself into a situation where meeting people. being strong. was
essential to life. new orleans. id know no one. not a place to sleep.
not a soul to help. i needed to make my own friends there. and in ways
i did. it worked. but in ways it failed. i burned out. and it will
take me some time to acquire a taste of talking to strangers. too
much. too fast. too soon.
but ive changed. i needed to sell everything. give it all away. i was
entering a new time in my life and i needed to shed my old shell. when
i had come to college a new era began. i lived. alone. without
parents. and i grew. and i changed. and i left things behind. when i
left college it was more purposeful. i could see the era changing. i
knew i needed to shed my old self. to become new again. so i gave it
all away and left.
i am a new person now. with a new name. and a new life. the only art i
own is that which ive created in the past two months. my memories lie
on the road. my brothers those who travel. who i travelled with. i am
poor. working class. i used to dress up in a myriad of outfits. now i
wear one. all black. all the time. my life has changed. and i with it.
and i can never regret that. and i can never take it back. had i not.
i would not be me. and i would have mourned the opportunity spent.
i am still attached to the person i once was. i still have his
feelings. his memories. but they are not as much a part of me as they
once were. some. when i was sorting through my life. last october.
waiting to leave. some i chose to carry over into my new life. some i
chose to forget. memories fade though. i try to hold on to those of my
home. my many homes. but all is lost sometimes. this city is now mine.
and i belong to it. and it is all i remember. (except in those
moments).