the next day. as jen writes how she wants to kill herself. as april
comes over alone. reading letters. past. present. future. and yet she
didnt seem depressed. so we talk. talk. talk. hours.
triangles are complicated. is there any way out of this. who knows. so
we sit. and talk. for this to work we must understand each other much
better. an intimacy not dreamed of before. one person needs not know
anyone. understand anyone. not even oneself. two people. more. for it
to work you have to understand. yourself. the other person. things you
never have to face single. three people. so much more. even more
intimacy. understanding yourself more than you ever have. others more
than you ever have. there can be no jealousy. total understanding of
the other peoples feelings. desires. needs. thoughts. we must be as
one.
is it possible. drop it. and someone suggested we go back to the way
it was. all friends. strangers even. but it cannot work. we can never
go back. unless we never see each other again. and thats just running
away. we have to solve the triangle. the mark is made. and it can
never be fully erased again.
(and now as i type this months later. i see the faults. how i didnt
understand myself. or jen. how april could see. but hoped. and in
that didnt understand herself either. or me. or any of us. we all
learned. about ourselves. and each other. and i havent seen either
for the longest time now. they are strangers. but i remember.)
have you ever noticed april. that when we sit. its always two and one.
never three. i naturally sit with jen. you away. or like last night.
me. you. jen across. never three. new arrangement. we must sit as
three. not two and one. until later. always you. or jen. in the
middle. but always three. we must sit together. sit together to be
together.
and no more names from the past. no more henry. no more june. no more
anais. you. or jen rather. takes on the role too seriously. uses it
too much like fate. takes the comparison too far. no more roles. we
are free. we are ourselves. together.
and i asked. because i wanted to hear it from her lips. yes. jen. and
april. seeing each other. last night. before the woods. when they
talked alone. the triangle is complete.
so we took the pencil analogy further. playing with kneaded erasers
making triangles. we dont have the same level of relationship with
each other. so we have to strengthen. jen april. april i. so everyone
is equal. but jen. delicate. balance. two possible ways. april gets
closer to jen and i at the same time. april gets closer to jen. then
closer to me.
forget understanding. takes too long. well get closer. strengthen the
bonds through sex. its quicker. we dont have time to wait. until we
each understand. each other. ourselves. too horny to wait. so either
jen. april. together alone. or all three at once. jen. april. more
comfortable starting alone. so be it. and now i wait.