(once again i begin the downward spiral).
i want to lose myself in drugs. forget about life and reality. into that
dreamlike haze where consequences. the future. tomorrow do not matter.
insubstantial. now. with no cares. no responsibilities. no inhibitions.
fears.
but my personality. so ingrained. and ive taught myself so well to control.
i cannot get lost. i cannot go out there forever. stops which prevent me.
built into my person. like a door before it smashes into the wall. today i
got really depressed. lost the will to live. seeing the pointlessness of it
all. the neverending fight against babylon. the man. i want to destroy the
world. and live alone in a void. of nothingness. until i too die. annihilated
into nothingness.
(void is satori. satori is the total complete experience of the void. only
the yogi destroy everything inside. all sense of a sense of self. to get
there. i want to destroy the outside. the world of the senses. i want to
become crazy. insane. only i am so constantly refused. and must live on).