Missing Excerpts
what do people think about on buses? i mean the ones that aren't reading or
talking or listening to walkmans. the ones with a staunch look on their face like
somebody just died. or theyre about to. i mean, i look around at the other people
and wonder what their lives are like (what theyre thinking). trying to imagine
a handful of events that brought them to this bus on this day at this time. thinking,
trying to imagine what those stone faces would look like in the throes of ecstasy.
(this is a big thing with me, trying to imagine all the normal average looking
people who you see selling stuff at walgreens, riding the bus, eating in expensive
cafes as you pass on the street; trying to imagine these people in the height of
an orgasm).
but do others think all these things. it doesnt look like it. some people look
around. but most just sit there. staring. does riding the bus (it must) put them
in that other world we live in when our bodies are doing mundane things. the world
of walter whats his name.
# # #
somewhere in that fourth circuit reality of timothy leary his mind wanders toward
another of that opposite attraction to. the social sexual ciruit he blathers on
so much about which helps not when one is immersed in the waters, turbulent
waters of anxiety. of not knowing where. how the person who one has currently
developed a crush on. how they feel about you. or where they are and why they arent
here so you can declare your undying love. crush. attraction for them and await
their disappointing response that they have no interest but thanks for the offer,
like trying to get rid of some telemarketer. so you can crawl back home with your
tail between your legs because after all you tried and whats the harm in trying
except embarassment. losing friendships. distancing people. and causing more anxiety
next time you see that person. because your stuck in this socio-sexual ciruit of
thinking which as its name says is not only sexual but social. so any interactions
changes you make by declaring a sexusensual attraction toward someone will also
affect your social interactions with them. and so sometimes one thinks whats the
point. but after all, you only live once. and if you had just gotten rid of your
inhibitions one night earlier. you could have run it and exclaimed to her while
she was still here instead of now gone. waiting and thinking. the end.
# # #
dead. dying. numb. looking out of an eye. focusing. where are we. and why did i
come here. like an acid trip. you prepare yourself. pack your bags. and then.
you jump off that cliff. no turning back. swimming in the middle. with a thumb out.
we either make it or we die. and now im falling.
tripping on a life ive never been to before. so much im learning. so much to say.
and yet i am blind deaf dumb. no one anymore to speak to because im living in a
different world. worlds apart from worlds. torn between. remembering who i was
yesterday. and wondering. wondering who ill be tomorrow. the gates have been
thrown open and i am being carried away with the flood. will it stop when i
want it to? will it stop when i need it to?