To Old Friends
It has been a long time since the time when we once knew each other. That time is
over for now, but not forgotten. I have moved forward much in my life and many
things have changed, most for the better. I hope things are going well with you.
A stage in my life has been closing now for about six months. Finally though, it
is reaching its end as a new stage of my life begins. Marking this end is the
finalized version of my book, a newly updated web site and these letters. Now
starts a time not of travelling and discovering, but of building and maturing. For
each individual, the reasons for this letter differs, but for everyone this
represents a form of closure with a desire to someday meet again.
So where am I now? Living in San Francisco. For the past six months I've been
working for this company called Maximum Information designing interactive websites.
The hours have been long, but the work is fun and interesting. I've learned so
much and matured both as a programmer and a person.
I've been slowly learning about herbs and now make an herbal tonic every two weeks
to help balance the effects of eating meat. I also have been fasting one day a
month to help clean out my digestive system. I continue to do yoga, but not nearly
as often as I would like.
The room I live in is huge and I've been slowly acquiring things to fill it with
(including a set of bongos which I've been learning how to play). My roommates are
old friends from Philly and since there's a lot of them (I live with four other
people), the rent is cheap. We've had our ups and downs, but we are all settling
into living with each other.
Meanwhile, I have no plans to go back to college. I am constantly learning so much
every day on my own, college would only slow me down and drain my resources. My
company has just been sold to NetManage, which means a commute down to Silicon
Valley, but which puts me in a great place professionally. Initially it looks
like I'll be one of the main web developers for our web site, if not the senior
web developer. I'll also get to explore new technologies for the feasibility
of integrating them into our web site and our interactive development product
WebC. Lately, I've also been doing a lot of graphic design work as well. Overall
it means a better salary with added benefits and a job I already love getting
better.
So what do I plan in the future? Always so hard to tell with my life and the
industry I work in moving so fast. But ideas float around in my head. Someday
I'd like to travel Europe. Whether this be with a laptop as a remote programmer
travelling around in style, or as a poor street performer hitching from town
to town, I don't know. I continue to learn the street arts (I am now learning
how to juggle these balls on a string that can be set on fire, as well as making
fire dance on my fingertips), and do someday plan to be poor again.
one of the issues I've been trying to work out within myself lately is. something
about how I always used to say I wanted a job that paid me lots of money so i
could use it to help out the subculture. counter-culture. my people. and now
that i have that job, im not doing much for that culture.
living a dual life. part of the subculture. against the system. fuck the cops. fight
the powers that be. corporate people suck. the government is evil. lawmakers are evil.
lets help each other out. stop destroying the environment. stop makeing laws for
money-infested corporate special interest groups. taxing the poor and giving all
the tax-breaks to the rich. lets take back whats ours. raise the minimum wage
so people can survive. feed and house the poor. fight poverty. aids. discrimination.
did you know the average executive last year made 300 times more than the average
american?
and then. working in that corporate america. where profit margins rule. and
we cant help out our customers unless theyre paying for it. bill the customer for
every minute even spent thinking about something. trying to get money from venture
capitalists who are almost always white men in their mid-forties. while dan
smooth-talks them into funding us so well have more money to use to get money out
of others. straight drug-free all-american christians playing racketball with the
other all-american executives.
so theres this big cultural split im experiencing between the people i work with and
myself. the whole normal thing again. these are people for whom obeying the law
is the natural thing to do, for whom christmas and easter are major holidays (and
the celebrations of mardi gras and beltaine do not exist), who have no or little
concept of dionysian celebration, gnosis, or oneness with the universe/void/god,
who have never had a psychedelic experience, who have never questioned the systems
of money, taxation or property. people who have never been to a rave. never
dressed all in black and danced to dark gothic/industrial music. dont know the
difference between a skater, a hippie or a gutter punk. probably have never even been
friends with anyone like that.
and then theres this split between who i was. and who i am now. a difference in my
belief versus my actions. because i still believe in all that. i still feel part
of the counterculture. and yet. what do i do now that i have the money. the
equipment to really help make a change. im so busy making the money. ive gotten so
caught up. ive lost touch with my people. talking to erik out in chicago. how
hes been going out to goth/industrial clubs more. wants to start a band. i barely
even know anyone in the scene anymore. any scene. ive lost touch with the people
who are out to change the world. and ive lost the motivation within myself.
its very much a reflective process. i mean, i have no one really to blame but
myself. but at the same time, ive gotten too much into the corporate rat race.
ive sacrificed the need for money to make change, for making change. and im
searching for some way to reconcile the two.
some resolutions. well, i want to start going out more. participating in the various
scenes, meeting people, becoming more active. if i dont have time i should be
making time. to go to a rally. or help some group get on the internet. or
help start a pirate radio. in june or july. as soon as all my credit card debt is
paid off, i want to start donating one hundred dollars aa month to various causes.
and finally, i want to find the older successful people whove managed to stay in
the scene and keep the spirit alive. who are doing more than still working in
donut shops. the ones who are running the magick shops, throwing the raves,
building the safe houses. i want to find out how they managed not to get sucked
in. how they balance the need for money against that ideal of a world where
money doesnt have to be the struggle for basic needs.