dreams
11.12.96
something involving the front desk fellow at the hostel. lying in his lap as another boy who
works at the hostel sits near. laughing. him asking me if i was bi. telling him no, didnt believe
in all that. very sexual connotations. cant remember if anything happened.
12.12.96
very sexual also. cant remember how. this time involved a woman.
13.12.96
dreams about electricity. others. skotty and i are singing to june. edie is there. june
is young--one year, maybe two. she laughs as we throw her from lap to lap. something is
mentioned to edie about how were getting back home. something involving meshel bringing
along someone else. edie gets mad. sats shes not going in the car with this other person
for some reason. later. skott and i are talking about the band. im thinking of going to
see this crappy band downtown. telling skotty about fire... and electricity. dream moves
over to electricity. starts getting sexual with electricity (like jasons machine). wake up.
19.12.96 afternoon
with a bunch of people. one of them. someones girlfriend who moved there from somewhere else,
used to sell network software. brief scene in a mall. in a store. one shelf contains big brown
paper bags containing borland software. compiler packs etc. shelf below it contains alcohol. this
is the checkout lane shelf. where the candy normally would be. some romantic connotations with
one of the girls in the group, but i cant remember.
19.12.96
dreamt metaphorically of fire last night. the house im staying at has a young czech girl about
my age. i dreamt that the house had two girls, one much younger and one a little bit younger.
in my dream i was up all night until 7 am telling stories and talking to the younger girl. her
name had something to do with the fact that she had deep blue eyes. so they called her indigo
or blue or something like that. she was chastised in the morning for staying awake all night
with me. the older girl was there for some of the time too. near the morning she came in and sat
and listened. i remember their mother calling indigo and the older girl saying 'mothers calling
you indigo.' the entire feeling was that of fire and alison and their family--later in the dream
i dreamt directly of alison. we somehow formed a mental connection and her body materialised naked
on my bed. we talked for a bit, cuddled and i kissed her. i remember somehow talking to her
how she should get rid of her pregnancy. then indigo came in and the illusion on the bed disappeared.
indigo and i talked some more before i woke up.
20.12.96 afternoon
dreams of people at work turning into sexual desire. there is a party at work. i begin to
show martina and nadia pictures and more of my story. then i cant hold back, i must kiss
nadia. blur. later on at the party. i am feeling drunk, giddy. though i am still refusing
alcohol. at some point my sisters lisa and nicole are there. nicole is drinking this clear
bubbly alcohol that comes in a bottle with a black label with gold trim. i take a bottle
from the six-pack shes holding. take a sip and realise its alcohol. i spit it out and begin
looking for some cola. later i am giddy, trying to hit on women that have evolved from the
women at work. i have a feeling nadia is still among these, but martina is not. somehow
feelings for martina remain non-sexual. i am showing her my stuff out of artistic
something-or-other. stacey, surprisingly, is not among any of these women. there are men as
well, but i refrain hitting upon these (or some of the women who i am not attracted to).
later i am out at the outside bar trying to order a strawberry smoothie [nb: saw a can of canned
strawberries at the supermarket today for the first time. this surprised me]. i am acting
extremely drunk, but again the realisation this is not because of alcohol. overwhelming of
sensations causing this. dancing around on my own. i walk into the garage and begin
levitating. i can consciously control my levitation. it does not seem strange that i should
be able to do this. things happen in garage while i am levitating. people come in, party
continues. scene. rimmer from red dwarf comes in looking for me. i float up so i am lying
against the ceiling. i tap him on the head with my foot. he begins to shout at me while
pointing his finger up at me. i laugh at him because he cant levitate
sometime after, the party becomes an airplane going to prague. the dream becomes extremely sexual.
i am jumping around kissing many women who i was talking to earlier. some of them are still
looking at writings or artwork. the whole party has degraded toward a sexual party. there are
people making out, fucking all over. seem to have impression i had sex with many women, but
only remember walking along, seeing the stewardess who was so sexy, grabbing her and starting
to kiss her. i push her up against the side of the plane, life up her skirt and enter her from
the back [nb: used the stewardess on the plane from the states to berlin as fantasy material for
masturbating twice upon arriving to berlin]. later on the party is out of control. a man is
following me around because he is attracted to me, but he is too shy to approach. dancing starts and
no one knows how to dance. the pilot rushes out of the cockpit in a bound and begin to show
everyone how to dance. i walk to the cockpit. i know the plane is going to crash. as he talks
each step over the loudspeaker, i move the plane in sync. so as people turn left, i turn the plane
left. the whole dance is synchronised with the movement of the plane. suddenly it is later on in
an airport. the plane crashed though i didnt experience this in my dream. everyone is walking around
finding excuses not to go to prague. going other places instead or staying there. strange feeling
that crash never happened at this point. that it was some type of illusion or dream.
20.12.96
dreams of amehlia earhardts poetry. 'two people board my plane. i take them high into my castle
in the clouds.' more. other poems. cannot remember them now. dreams of magick. a green candle. i
pass my hand over it and it is white. i pass my hand over it again and it is green again. before this.
some kind of fort. avoiding the adults. escaping. maybe rescuing the adults. and they do not know
that we, the kids of this town, do this.
22.12.96
arriving in a town. feels like prague. but everyone i speak to speaks english. but maybe im
only talking to travellers. theres this bridge. i dont cross it in my dream, but im not sure
if its because i cant cross it or the alarm clock wakes me up before i get a change to cross it.
earlier. apparently at some job. im leaving it to go travelling. somehow it feels like the summer
and they all feel im coming back. asking me questions about a class im supposed to be taking
at university of maryland, baltimore. vague talk about travelling to paris, philly. i try to be
vague with them because i am going to go with the flow, not making plans. guy asks me for my name
and address to give to this artist who lives in town. something duffy. hes supposed to be famous.
busy. but this guys know him. implying i do art though in the dream i dont feel as though i do.
previous dream. nightmare. at work. seems like this big supermarket. but them im thinking its a
farm. wendy milanese is there. maybe chris. danny from netmanage. for a while its fine. them im
walking up to danny. hes talking about cooking an albatross. hes got this huge bird over the fire.
i can see its head and its eye still with its feathers on. the flame of the stove is blue, like
bunsen burners. as i approach i see dannys face on fire, a white mask disjointed from the face. i
take steps back as i talk to him. thinking of some disease from a steven king book. it has deformed
him and soon will make him go insane. i call 911 on the telephone. in the meantime the disease has
taken a greater hold of danny. him and someone else are play fighting with blow-up toy axes. only
i know its not play for danny. he becomes maniacal. starts chasing people with the toy axe. somewhere
i think it becomes a real axe. and then into the barn. which makes me think its a farm. everyone
knows now about dannys disease. weve trapped him in the barn. climbing through the rafters. playing
with machinery up there. something. somehow this is going to trap danny until 911 can get there.
something happens. i dont know what, but we are now outside with 911. danny is dead. somehow
accidentally killed himself in his madness. sadness at his death. and then the dream is over
and i wake up. 4 am.
23.12.96
dreamt of living with my family again. but we had moved out of our house and were living in an
apartment. something about my mother going to look for another apartment. vague feeling mother and
father were not getting along so well.
25.12.96
spies. i have done something terrible and am running away. the police are looking for me
everywhere. hiding in my own bedroom. it is too obvious and they dont find me. climbing across
rooftops. running and jumping over fences. all waiting for things to calm down so i can leave
the country. i shoot someone who attempts to catch me. somehow i loose both legs, yet i can
still run. dodging the police all over. secret meetings. there are other helping me. the underground.
we are part of the underground. there is this young boy who is a genius with electronics. does
something with homemade gadgets for the underground. but i am the only one they are chasing. finally
make it to the airport and onto the plane. dream ends with this escape. [watched last half of
casablanca last night and an old spy movie called north by northwest the night before]. before all
this, vague dreams of working with michael shahamatdoust. i leave the company. they keep him. he
stays.
26.12.96
something about fire. vague things about a hotel her family was staying in. scene in an auditorium
where she sits next to me. another time i am talking to her and turn and she is now alison. again
searching for her. finding papers of hers and trying to return them. cant remember much.
27.12.96
company got bought out. i guess maxinfo. refused to go with them. decided to travel or something.
somehow i wind up at this company. they only vaguely know who i am. i am hired to program computers
for their message center. company headquarters is like this huge tall (six, seven floors) hotel.
some kind of party going on. lots of free food. different kinds of italian dishes. people are dressed
up like 19th century. bathroom has a line. so im walking around trying to find another bathroom.
up on the top floor. the rooms are sparse. then back to the sixth. the food is being served in my
bedroom. a sign outside the message center says that i am on duty. i am thinking that today is my
first day. i dont know anything about the message center. i cant be on duty. inside the message
center i feel are training programs, but i dont do inside. i know i am leaving to go down to new
orleans in a month and am trying to figure out how to tell them. while wandering around looking for
a bathroom on the seventh floor, open a door to the executive party. i see bob and talk to him
briefly.
earlier in this dream. wandering around town to various bars/clubs. cant remember much.
just talking to people from work about clubs. sometime in the middle of the dream, while i am
half-awake, i try to direct it into a sexual dream. i know i am dreaming and try to seduce this
woman. but this doesnt work too well. i am too conscious of everything. forcing too many aspects
of the dream.
28.12.96
i leave work early. it is my last week. i walk home and i am waling through the suburbs of philly.
make a wrong turn and i am walking down a back road in feasterville. need to get back to
warminster. in my dream it is back and to the right. make a right and start walking. in the middle
of my old neighbourhood in feasterville is a shopping center. i get angry at this. walk past it and
am climbing up this light brown dirt next to the shopping center to head home. it is more like rock.
there is this woman spinning and singing on top of the rock. people are making comments that she
is very skilled. begin to be climbing this rock with my eyes closed. leaning against people to get
a grip on the next ledge. open my eyes and i have climbed this hallway in my house. two old people are
there and this young woman. they applaud me for making it to the top of the hallway. i come back down
to the ground. the hallway is larger and has a couch. lauren and someone else is there (maybe katy).
i begin to flirst with the young woman (the old couple is gone). i have been thinking about a love back
in the states. suddenly we are kissing. it slowly builds until we are rubbing our hands all over each
other. she has short cropped hair and rather mannish features. her hands in particuliar are like a mans,
big and rough. her breasts are small. my hand slips under her bra (white) and i begin to massage her
breasts. katy and lauren are still talking next to us, ignoring us. clothes taken off. and i am
masturbating her with my hand. she is sitting up. i lie down next to her and run my hand gently
between her legs. she motions faster and i am doing it faster. she is very wet. her body presses
against the wall as i masturbate her from the back. she comes and wants to go out on bourbon street
and do something. i dont want to yet. (location changes every couple minutes it seems). i was
supposed to be studying for my last day or two of work. working at night. i pull her into my room
and throw her onto my bed. we kiss a little bit. then i stand up. go over to the mantlepiece for
something. i excuse myself for a piss. my penis is still hard. it is dripping lightly with
pre-semen. i take a piss and go back into my room. then wake up.
there were things going on at work earlier too. i had to finish a program before i left work.
went over to what was a bookstore in work that acted as a library as well. find two c++ programming
books. a man on the ladder tells me one is in greek and the other english. the english one is his.
i ask him if i can borrow it. he tells me yes. as im walking back to my desk i drop it. pick it up
again. there were other things about work that i cant remember. also just remembering about the
woman again. while masturbating her i was thinking that she was getting incredibly into it and it
would be incredible to fuck her. but also having serious second thoughts because i felt she was
mean in a way and if i had sex with her id be tied to her spiritually and i most certainly didnt
want to be tied to her in anyway. my sex drive really wanted to have sex with her, but my mind
and my emotions most certainly didnt. so i was deciding in my mind beforehand in case the situation
ever arose. it didnt.
29.12.96
lots of dreams i didnt feel like writing down. dreams of flying though. outside this school. lauren
needed to hold onto this huge helium balloon to fly. i was the only one able just to think abut
it to float up to the sky. also dreams of talking statues of daemons and such over fountains. talking
gothic decoration. something about a very old man.
30.12.96
dreams of the tardis. skottys there and this girl who somehow reminds me of cathy heard. go exploring
a little bit. its huge. there this huge tank in one room. in the central room the console is
apparently removeable. put a table in its place and eat. i decide that ill go travelling with them for
two or three weeks, then return for my appointment with alex later that day. mark and dan known on the
door and cathy lets them in. they were just stopping by. getting closer to the time to leave. this
cathy girl wants to go to a planet midway between here and gallifrey. we wonder about money on this
planet -- we have none of theirs. decide that little plastic trinkets from our own planet will be
very unusual and hence valuable there. i wake up before we leave.
2.1.97
rocky dreams. the alarm goes off for two hours. i keep hitting snooze. but every four minutes new
dream. yet in all these dreams. this consistent feeling that im looking for something. digging
deeper and deeper trying to discover something about myself. but the dreams dont take me there
yet. some dream with the couple staying in the other room. we are talking about me seducing the
woman whose house this is. how to do it. [i have been fantasizing about her lately. because my
sexuality is so high right now. and there are not many women to fantasize to. part of that taboo
enticement as well. so many reasons not to fantasize about her, that i fantasize about her simply
because it breaks my own taboos].
4.1.97
dreams of carlos and his girlfriend. wandering around to bars with them [which is pretty much what we
did last night anyway].
5.1.97
something about an alternative school in one of the southern states. i have this feeling that i
was travelling across the us. and suddenly im going to this school. jeremy p bushnell is
sitting next to me. im starting a couple classes into the semester so i dont really know whats
going on. strange assignments. i ignore the teacher a lot. go off and wander around the school for
a bit. someone who knows me see me. shes talking urgently about a tape that has to be put in the
vcr and thank god im around with the technical expertise to do it. confused by this. doesnt seem
technical. walking around some more. forget the rest.