part eleven
(a letter written to miranda)
things written long ago....
there are things in our lives. or my life. that guide
us. direct us. help us to learn. or remember what we already know.
like new orleans. and meeting crazy horse. meeting magic. the
talks with the quiet parrot as we rode to sf. things that spark.
and tell us.
- sometime mid-december, 1993, louisville, ky.
now is a time like this. meeting you. talking. knowing
something more is going on beside a late night conversation. morning.
a time to learn again. and be inspired. by you.
i try to be a muse. and inspire other people. as
always though. people inspire me. yet some people will inspire
me more than others. will give me things that burn into my soul.
to forever create ideas with. my friend tabitha. so many pages
of my book started as letters to her. conversations. things she
gave me. we share things. secrets not told others. she has let
me read parts of her past. her diary. teaching me to understand
her. and i. same. our relationship. so incredibly deep. intense.
(though not now that we see each other not at all, but when we
do it all returns). beyond words. i have such a deep love for
her.
fire taught me things in other ways. things i still
may not understand. at fifteen she has been one of the wisest
i have met. a wisdom that goes beyond simple wisdoms of the world.
hard to explain. purity. like the flame for which i named her
(intense).
rereading her last letter to me i cannot explain
her without you reading it yourself. one thing she said. part
of something i still am coming to know. 'understand what you learned
was what you taught me.' and perhaps this is part of becoming
a muse. to teach and learn as one. together. one.
in the book of five rings. musashi. he says that
the teacher is the needle and the student is the thread. rather
each is a crochet needle. able to do little alone. together though.
taking the threads of the universe. weaving a tapestry of knowledge
and understanding.
i write in strange ways. read this again. for things
in the beginning will affect the end. and end beginning. all over.
like an mtv video. stream of consciousness. to understand the
whole. you must first understand each part. but you know this.
# # #
relationships have stabilised. does this mean stagnation.
wondering. the joys of meeting someone new. undefined relationships.
you could hate them. love them. they could become your best friend.
occasional acquaintance. lover. someone you talk to only over
the phone. or go do things with. maybe never talk. playing basketball.
fucking all the time. meeting someone new. and you might learn
and teach. and you have all possibilities open in that first second
of meeting. then things begin to set. doors closing. as you get
to know them. and you start choosing certain types of relationships.
they become a friend. or not. you tell each other intimate details.
or talk superficial happenings. your physical interactions become
set. how close you sit. whether you hug or just shake hands. if
you make love every sunday afternoon at three. things stabilise.
but the way these things have set. always some predefined
pattern. subtle variations of. even when they change from being
set. always to some new defined pattern. i want to explore relationships
as something in themselves to explore. people are afraid when
they enter unknown territory. undefined types. so many people
don't know how to react when they haven't already been told how.
they don't want to try to figure it out. we see. ways society
tells us how couples act. girl friends. guy friends. spouses.
parent-child. but people start getting confused. don't know how
to act if they want to be friends with an old boyfriend/girlfriend.
or how do you act when you are fucking someone who is only a friend.
going further. i want to take my relationships and
force them out of warp. redefine. search for new definitions that
haven't been created yet. explore those on the edge. an almost
stranger perhaps who comes over every once in a while and pours
hot wax on my back. someone to compete against and learn out of.
programming computers. something different. more than just chess
partners. still i am in territory people have explored. further.....
perhaps with one person i will never use words. always
write. hand gestures. another i will only see in the park. once
a month. and tell my deepest and darkest fantasies. nothing else.
vox defined new relationships. so does the internet. computers.
even watching television. strange bizarre relationships are these
between us and the people on the screen. someone i only see on
videotape. electronic visual discussions. letters. sent back and
forth (a room in a club. go in. lock the door. videotapes. a vcr.
tv. video camera. watching other people talking. videotaping yourself.
some kind of response to them. and later on. as they react to
you reacting to them). so many possibilities. still not far enough.
i must think of more. then stop thinking and begin to explore.
# # #
The extremes of physical experience:
I saw a movie the other day where the main character
was buried to his head for five days with no food or water. I
want to try this. Sensory deprivation as you try to control basic
desires and urges for five days.
# # #
and now i talk of honour. and duty. to explain more
of myself. there are those i hold duty to. some egotistical responsibility
to help them. not do things for them. instead of them. but make
sure their life turns out alright. help them in ways i can. all
of my old girlfriends are like this. whether i still feel i love
them or not. i still have a duty to help them in any way i can.
and i know they would return the favour would i ever need anything.
friends as well. i hold certain duties too. to help them. but
some of my friends i hold higher duty to. i will help them more.
sacrifice more of myself for. these spirits. hard to explain.
the more self-sufficient they are. the less duty i hold to them.
but the truly helpless. who i would have to sacrifice my whole
life toward. these i cannot help. i hold no duty. my duty takes
myself into account as well.
in this duty system i hold favours to people. and
give favours to people. those i help i expect to help me someday.
if they are capable of helping. if i need help. though i strive
never to have to call in favours. a back-up. if my life fails.
those who do me favours. i become indebted to. and they in turn
can ask things of me. and this is my honour. to honour favours
done me. honour my debts. and respect others that i not take advantage
of them. this is why i cannot shoplift. sell things to people
i dont believe in. in many cases. when people give me their trust.
allowing me to enter a store. i must honour that trust. breaking
it would break my honour. and unless i feel they are not honourable
enough to respect, i cannot break honour against them. i can break
laws because i cannot hold respect for most lawmakers. police
must earn my respect. i cannot give it them automatically. but
others. some others i can honour. and if someone does me a favour,
i will do them one in return. and if i do someone one, id like
them to help me or someone i would help someday in return. (though
those i do favours for i usually also have a duty to help. and
would do another favour for them before calling one in).
a strange system. but if someone takes advantage
of me, they lose respect and i have no honour for them. and i
will take revenge in some way. some day. but those who i hold
honour for. i will go. seek out. help them. and i would wish that
if another were to mention my name to them. they would help them
as me. i know this doesnt explain things. but maybe it clears
things up. it is hard. if you do not understand. to know in your
heart. respect. honour. duty. and though people may laugh at me.
and maybe my life would be easier if i did not live this way.
it is the way i am. and i feel it is good.
# # #
the one fear that prevents me from saying all i might
say to someone. that because of something i say. they might hate
me. begin to act differently toward me. because people are taught
to construe comments in certain ways. and i dont mean them in
those ways (when i say 'im attracted to you.' others thinking.
he wants to sleep with me. but often times. simply a statement
of fact. so when i do things. sometimes. you know why. so i can
feel closer to a person. if with a friend. i am attracted. and
they assume i am not. i feel i am deceiving them. in not correcting.
and do not think when i say 'that outfit looks ugly' i mean you
look ugly. most times i mean much what i say. or try to).
how close i feel to someone. many times by how much
i am not afraid to tell them. because i know they wont hate me.
we tell strangers the stories of our lives because we dont care
if they judge us. hate us. (some of us). but my closest friends
i reveal the most. though in many ways this book is an attempt
to tell things and not be afraid. probing the deepest parts of
my mind. exposing them. people may hate them. like them. but maybe
they will think. i dont want to be afraid though.
# # #
sex. violence. two of the most intense physical interactions
people can engage in. why are people dominated. american culture
dominated by these. exploring. searching for other incredibly
intense physical interactions.
s&m. some strange combination of the two. which
really isnt either. causing pain to cause pleasure. but the pain
isnt always violent pain. and the pleasure isnt always sexual
pleasure. though they can be. but each invoking an intense physical
interaction between two people.
searching for more. dance. intensely physical. and
the beauty of seeing two dancers interact on a level of pure rhythm.
music. movement. bringing into an altered state. the mind no longer
thinking. the body. dance. between the two. such a connection.
when they dance. pure physical interaction. beauty.
and yet each of these can be done alone. or in groups.
so many variations. and the difference just one person can make.
radically altering. when i dance alone. or masturbate alone. people
who cut themselves. lacking that interaction with another person.
other people. makes it less intense for me. for others increases
that intensity. and sometimes many people is nice. sometimes only
two or three. varying degrees. but these are our basic physical
interactions. searching for more.
# # #
talking with leah. about relationships between people.
she tries to explain. a friendship. special. beyond words. so
instantaneous. so powerful. talking for hours on end. about nothing.
about everything. such pure understanding between two people.
and i realise others have these relationships. as i explain to
leah tabitha. roger. others. people who are tied to your destiny.
your soul. make you believe you have a destiny. somewhere out
there.
for me these people i write about. about the ideas
they inspire me with. like tabitha. and miranda. and i talk. so
long. thinking. they make me think. allow me to live. without
them i am missing. something there. i know they are part of me.
will always be there. and can tell them anything. almost. some
other strange form of being. of love. beyond explanation. but
others speak of it too. though no one can explain. understand.
unless youve been there before.
# # #
for the past four months i have been working. temp
jobs. here and there. ive been working here for a while. its a
manufacturing plant. computer systems. printing out labels. ive
been working on some lotus macros too. its interesting work. its
gotten me a car. credit card. beeper. money to eat out. to pay
off loans.
lately though. as ive been reading henry miller.
as mardi gras approaches. itching for the life again. the streets.
this time once again it will be different. i wont be as poor.
i might even work again. but meeting new people. spending random
nights sleeping on peoples couches youve just met. not knowing.
living in squats. hanging out in the square. secret on-goings
everywhere. that electricity new orleans has. seeing old friends.
doing drugs. visiting old cemeteries at night. walking through
the garden district. that feeling of being free. to go anywhere
from here. its been so long. in three weeks i return.
# # #
i look at myself like that sometimes. more often
lately. i see my body in the same way i view my car. something
that carries me places. that allows me to experience certain things.
but as something distinctly different from the meaning of the
word i. who i am. i look at my body as something to work on. the
operations i need are like repairs. i work out to improve my body.
not necessarily to improve who i am. in the same way i view my
mind. which is strange. because ive always been taught that my
mind is who i am. but i am seeing it as distinctly different.
in the same way i work on my mind. i try to develop will power.
train it to think in certain ways. ignore desires. training the
mind.
so lately ive been wondering. if my body isnt me.
and my mind isnt me. who is this me. this entity which is training
the body and mind. these writings come from this entity. i think.
# # #
driving in a car. thinking about how each person
in each car becomes an entity. something with a life separate
from that of either one apart. people develop certain personalities
on the road. depending upon their own personality. and that of
the car. certain cars driven by certain people become real assholes.
others are slow. fast. break down faster than others. tires can
screech worn out. or burned out. a loud annoying horn is just
the same as a small one used all the time. some people/cars are
timid. some bold. cutting in here and there. it all becomes some
combination. resonance. between driver and car. i imagine the
metal molding around my hands as i sit in the drivers seat. flesh
and auto becoming one. a new entity.
# # #
...when you look in the mirror. do you stare. do
you watch yourself in the mirror. watching other people. finding
it so interesting. do i find myself interesting enough to watch.
watching oneself in the mirror isnt vain. it means you admire
yourself as someone youd like to be. but i guess thats only if
you look at it that way. if you see yourself as some separate
entity to be looked at. introspection. looking at yourself as
if you were someone else.
i look in the mirror to become more aware of myself.
looking to see how i walk. how i turn my head. what my face looks
like when i smile. noticing my eyes. watching gestures. trying
to see how other people perceive them. how they perceive me. i
want to be aware of what my body does when i do things. being
aware of how my body feels is part of this. but so is how my body
looks. while watching myself in the mirror.