strange depression today. i woke up deciding whether or not to attend my last
day of work. i was let go because i have too long of a ponytail. even though
i work on the 29th floor of an office building. fucking casino company wide
policies. the week before i was offered a permanent position i turned down.
that was before the wrong department saw me. i woke up. went back to sleep.
no more work for a while. time to think.
thinking. ive developed my personality to be so goal oriented. pushing
forwards always. a book i read. i must learn from it. develop myself. people
i meet. movies i see. if i do not learn from them. expand myself. so little
point. yoga. must develop will power. so i stop smoking. want to fast. learn
akido. develop myself more and more. i bought a book the other day. the
principles of higher learning. someone von eckarthausen. all about the
progression of life. developing the soul. i try to be. do good so much. i
forget evil. i want to do evil. and so often i find myself at a loss. gone.
i fear becoming too enlightened to enjoy the pleasures of being alive. human.
in the flesh.
[as if i am so enlightened. but yet. they say to become enlightened you must
rid oneself of all earthly desires. and ive lost almost all interest in sex
lately it scares me. i try keeping this up by continuing to masturbate
daily. and i still would like a woman. but more as a companion now. someone
to love intensely and experience the world with.]